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Author Topic: MooseMilk..Another GREAT Canadian Christmas Tradition Back to Topics

Champion Author

Joined:Aug 2002
Message Posted: Nov 12, 2003 5:13:41 PM

The noble moose has been a symbol of Canadian pride and strength going
back to well before the arrival of the Europeans. Many native tribal
legends refer to the moose as a mother figure or the sustainer of
life. In fact, in language of the Malicite Tribe, the word for moose
roughly translates as 'mighty big and hairy mother.' The reason for
this seemingly strange affiliation of the terms 'moose' and 'mother'
has more to it than merely beginning with an 'M" and containing an
"E". The fact that the female moose is a prolific milk producer and
that a moose's milk is one of the finest nutrient sources on earth was
known to the very earliest of Canadians. How else do you think a
primitive society could have survived and developed in such a climate?

To know the value of moose's milk is one thing; to attain sufficient
quantities to support even a small village is something entirely
different. As you can no doubt imagine, many methods have been
developed and either refined or abandoned over the years. The
Blackfoot tribe legend known as 'He Who Was Found Trampled With Moose
milk Spilt On His Chest' gives at least a minor clue to some of the
tribulations suffered prior to recorded history during the development
of this critical undertaking. The Apache legend known as "Bawling
Moose, The Provider" suggests yet another approach. On a more modern
approach, there are museum examples of huge trusses designed to
suspend the rear feet of a female moose (cow moose) off the ground to
allow milking. While practical on a small scale, this method was
deemed too cumbersome for commercial use. Other more practical, but
somewhat less humane, methods were developed during the 17th and 18th
centuries. However, with the wildlife conservation movement taking
hold in the early 19th century, following decimation of the buffalo
herds (whose milk is incidentally far less pleasing to the palate but
nevertheless useful for survival) it became essential to develop more
efficient and humanitarian methods of collecting moosemilk. Indeed
this was one of the greater technological challenges of that era. The
number of inventors trying to solve the problem was so great in some
areas that the bleat of cow meese could be heard for miles around and
local tipping areas were littered with abandoned mechanical moose
decoys and elaborately camouflaged milk pumping devices.

Alas, the technical challenge proved to be too great for that era and
the drive to commercially collect the nutritionally perfect moose milk
was eventually abandoned as commercial farming methods steadily
improved. Moose milk faded from public view and only isolated
aboriginals and rural eccentrics maintained any interest. It is only
with the post war technological boom that a viable method for mass
collection of moose milk was developed. Although wildly popular in
areas of heavy moose population, poor marketing has kept the
nutritionally perfect moose milk from being the runaway commercial
success it should be.

The most successful method of collecting moose milk involves using a
robotic calf moose with a synthetically produced bawling sound. Early
versions used recorded sounds but cow moose were often put off by the
repetitive nature of most recordings. The most successful recording of
the 1960s and 70s was a human imitation of the calf sound done by a
native woman named Shining Moon (Over Old Dead Moose Carcass). The
advent of digital sound reproduction and the computer chip led to the
production of interactive moose calling. Cow moose can now be
regularly enticed to mechanical milking stations from as far as 30
miles away and the continuous bawling tends to keep the cows in the
area and in milk production. Although producing unusual local
cycles, the overall effect is essentially a moose dairy farm that
requires no fencing or feeding by the farmer.

If you are in the least doubt as to the nutritional claims for moose
milk, try it for yourself. Within anything from a few minutes to an
hour after imbibing nature's perfect elixir, you will begin to feel
the benefits. Initially a mild feeling of euphoria will overtake you
as your metabolism increases its efficiency. Within a very short
period thereafter, you will note various other benefits including a
massive increase in confidence, pride, intelligence and magnetism to
the opposite sex. There are only two possible negative side effects
and they can be avoided by following these warnings:

1. If you feel the urge to paw the ground and run head long into a
member of the opposite sex resist.

2. Despite the strong cravings you will undoubtedly feel for more
moose milk, under no circumstances should you attempt to milk a moose
on your own; this job is strictly for the professionals.

A recipe for NAVY Moose Milk:

Give vehicle keys to a party staying sober


1.14 litre (40 oz for my American friends) DARK Rum
1.14 litre Kahlua
1.14 litre Vodka
4 litres of Vanilla soft scoop ice cream
4 litres of partly skimmed milk (have to be health conscience)

Mix gently until frothy with still a few ice cream lumps
Liberally sprinkle nutmeg over top

Enjoy and Drink until stupid
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